Jumbled thoughts on polyamoury

  • Poly advice, worldviews held by poly people, poly communities, etc., tend to have relationship goals opposed to mine – a pithy oversimplified way of putting it is “they see commitment as a means to passion, I see passion as a means to commitment”.
    • I was promised Disney True Love with multiple people, and while no one’s saying to my face that I can’t get it, there are undercurrents of “But why would you?”.
    • And polyamoury as it is practiced, and probably in principle, is less likely to get me that.
  • Given commitment-centric goals (pretend that phrase wasn’t abominably pretentious), there must be times when a short-term temptation must be resisted for long-term relationship good. That can certainly show up in other situations, but it’s not quite as inevitable.
    • When you’re monogamous, it’s usually simple (don’t fuck the person); in poly it’s harder to know your own limits.
    • There are lots of examples for mono people, I can think of very few poly ones.
    • My point is, I’m not just asking “Should I fuck my cute friend?”, I’m asking “What universal maxim would Kant derive from whether I fuck my cute friend?”.
  • I am deeply uncomfortable with any form of hierarchy (see: Disney True Love with multiple people), but given e.g. differing time constraints, relationships will most likely grow at different paces.
  • That desire for stability and seriousness is worse when I’m already in a relationship; I can’t afford the sort of exploration that doesn’t strangle new relationships to death.
  • There’s a bit of a swindle where, if you’re dating one person, people will understand your reluctance to date a second one, but will find your discomfort silly about a third one. This is the same as “If you enjoy this sex act sometimes you will enjoy it with me”. Stop doing that, poly people.
  • People in poly/mono and polyfi relationships don’t talk about all of that very much; is it because I’m really weird, or because these preferences don’t get talked about much so people don’t have the words? Getting it out there might help.

TL;DR: Leo continues to be worst at poly.

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